Happy vs. Content

Tears streaming down my cheeks, heart racing, labored breathing - I ran down the long hallway in the middle of the night to my grandparent’s bedroom and called out to my Grandpa.  Fear raced through my body, hindering all logic and eliminating joy.  Grandpa appeared in front of me, concern etched on his face as he asked, “What’s wrong?”  While we spoke, a few semi-coherent words spilled out, “I just want to be happy,” I said. Placing his strong hand on my shoulder he replied with tremendous love, “Sweety, don’ t try to be happy; you need to learn to be content.”

At the age of 16, that didn’t make much sense.  It seemed like a compromise, like the saying goes, “Compromise; where both parties are unhappy.”  I didn’t want that, I wanted to be happy.  It took me several years before I started to realize what he meant - to be content is to be thankful for what God has placed in your life up to this moment.

Growing up, I never really had a lot in the form of material items or high quality anything.  I gravitated towards sales racks and thrift stores (still do).  Thrifty was the way of life out of necessity more than the thrill of it.  But, overall I would say I was perfectly content with the items I did have.  After I had that conversation with my Grandpa that one fateful night, I gained the mentality that you make the best of what you’ve got.  It might not be as fancy, as large, or as high tech as Joe Schmoe next door, but I learned not to care.  I had a roof over my head, food in my belly, clothes in my closet and I was being taught valuable skills by the people that I loved and respected. 

And then I moved away.

Food became scarce, clothes diminished, the roof over my head changed every six months and the people I loved ... they were 1,700 miles away.  I was alone and terribly homesick, but then I remembered what Grandpa told me; be content. 

Taking that advice, I changed my perspective and saw my lack of clothing as a new opportunity to change my style.  I looked at my lack of  food and saw it as an opportunity to be creative when cooking dishes with the food I did have.  And the people that I loved - well that never changed - but I did add to it. 

Now, because I learned to be thankfully content with the things that I had, God has blessed me exponentially.  I now have a very loving husband, more food then what I know what to do with sometimes, a beautiful home, a wonderful puppy, enough clothes that I’m able to share and donate a lot of them and a job that I’m terribly enamored with not only doing what I love, but truly feel what I was called to do.

I still may not have the fanciest things or the most up to date tech and Adam and I will not be heading over to Europe for a two month stay any time soon - but I’m okay with that.  I have all I need and more; I may not always be happy, but I can honestly say that I am always content and always VERY thankful for all that God has blessed me with.


“...speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.”

Ephesians 5:19-20 (NIV)

Am I Being Selfish?

My journey to self-discovery ……. Buhahahahahahaha!  * Catches breath from laughing so hard* Sorry guys, I could barely say that with a straight face.  No “self-discovery” here – just plain ol’ living and trying to learn how to live as less of a witch with a “b” and more as the person I’m supposed to be who is, well, less of a witch with a “b”.  Though, with anything that you are trying to fix, the first step is to discover what the cause of the issue(s) is/are and go from there.  However, if I were to list my “issues” … well, let’s just say the list would take about a year to read.

We’re flawed, massively.  Yes, every…single…one of us.  We’re just flawed in different ways; we’re human after all – not claiming to be God here.  But instead of listing all my flaws and trying to tackle each one at once, I’m choosing to pick on the most glaring, giant, looming one and deal with it first.  Imagine this giant, black, purple, and lime green monster with whirling fumes of toxic gas that randomly burst into flames now and then.  Then imagine it ominously staring down at your little 3 cm self (in his eyes) with your tiny pin (your sword)  … it’s a tad comical to him, I’m sure.  That’s what it felt like when I first thought about tackling this “flaw” of mine; overwhelmed and clueless on where to start.  Here you stand, with your “pin” against this now belly-laughing monster with spontaneously bursting gas wings… laughing…at you.  The mere thought of you attacking it is enough to kill it, from laughter.  Hmmm… maybe I should go with that approach (…if only). 

Needless to say, it realistically is not a giant gas monster, but selfishness; which is just about as ugly.  There is a fine line between being concerned about yourself and only being concerned about yourself.  When we tend to lean more toward only being concerned about ourselves, ugly little minion companions emerge; ones like “lack of compassion”, “lack of respect for others”, a “victims mentality”, the ability to give excuses to not ever do what you don’t want to do despite other’s thoughts or feelings, and though there are more, one final one is draining those around you in order to build yourself up.  You are your only concern, never caring how you hurt someone, or if you even hurt them.  This type of mentality can lead to destroyed relationships, an undeserved bloated ego, excessive pride, or severe depression (when your “needs” are not met).  Selfishness can lead to laziness as you are willing to only do what makes you comfortable. 

I’m not saying that to not be selfish you have to constantly care about everyone you meet or see on TV, that you have to be consistently uncomfortable or attend every gathering your friends/family set up; but I am saying that to not be selfish is to sometimes sacrifice your own selfish desires every now and then for the sake of those around you; your loved ones, your friends and your family.  To not be selfish is also to learn to take those “inconveniencies” and let them roll; let them roll to your desk top so you can slowly analyze and respond appropriately and respectfully instead of with a hot-head.  (Candid moment:  This is one of my bigger weak spots). 

A solution to being a selfless person – there is an answer, one that I’m still seeking though.  I know that I need to be more selfless, more helpful, more concerned about the feelings and thoughts of those around me instead of brushing them off merely because they do not match my own feelings/thoughts on that particular matter.  I know that as a Christian, I need to show them Christ’s love – sorry, I probably won’t die on a cross for you, that’s too scary – but despite how you may come off, or what you may be going through and then how you are handling it, I do promise to try and not judge you for I don’t know your story.  I promise to look for how God would want me to show His love to you; how to show you that I honestly care about you, that even if you don’t agree with my way of thinking, that I will not think any less of you and it will not keep you from having a relationship with me.  A relationship of friendship, familial, camaraderie, as co-workers, or if I just met you today – I promise to strive to be a better, less selfish, more selfless person who gets out of her own way and her own head to stand up and be there for those around her; the people whom God placed in her life.

Why Me? - A Perspective on Suffering

Why do we suffer? Why do we go through hardships? Why does one seemingly have horrific hardships, unbearable, breakable, life threatening life trials while others seemingly breeze through life? 

I’ve watched so many of those I care and cared about suffer unimaginable suffering. Loved ones crying on my floor, asking, “Why? ... why me?” ... I never had an answer, I didn’t know. 

Then again, why was I put through suffering? Why was I beaten at the age of one, that put me in the hospital and momentarily taken away from my family? Why was I abandoned by those closest to me? Why was my trust broken by the man of my dreams? Why was I made to suffer while “they” lived their happy little lives in bliss?  WHY?! 

Why? Why me? Me ... because of them. Because I was made to suffer, and because I am who I am - a God fearing woman of faith - I am able to be there for those who are going through what I’ve gone through. I am able to listen with better understanding, better conscience, better compassion ... because I was made to suffer and I took that suffering as lessons, as things placed in my way to make me a stronger, no, a better woman, I was and am able to be there for my loved ones. 

Suffering will always be relevant in our lives. No life lives without suffering. It’s how we take that suffering and grow from it so we can help the next soul who may go though the same thing. We were placed here to support one another, to love one another, and to be understanding of one another. 

My friends, if you are suffering, no matter to the extent or the reason, you’re not alone. Please, reach out to those around you; a friend, a family member, a pastor, a mentor, someone you trust. If you don’t know of someone who suffered with what you’re stuffing with ... find someone you trust. Trust that you’ll be lead to the person you need right at this moment. 

Just as God sent a random friend to my door while I was preparing to take my life all those years ago ... so will He provide for you however you need. 

Boundless

I love art.  Its versatility, its never-ending interpretations of everyday life and experiences, the way it can express the heart and soul of its creator, and the way it can carry the mind far away from any problem that may be vexing it at the time.  Art is boundless, it holds no boundaries, is not constricted by lines or borders; art is ever flowing and expansive.

My Grand Canyon Trip (2018) - To grasp "vastness" and "boundless"

Thus, art reminds me SO much of our Lord and His love for us.  Its versatility to bend with our lives and still encompass us completely, it being a never-ending source to us, the way it adapts to us individually, personally, the way His love takes our burdens and carries them far, far away while enclosing us in Him.  How he encloses us in his grace, in His love, and in His understanding; in His ever flowing and expansive love. 

What an amazing God we serve.

Who am I?

It was my birthday - I believe I was turning three or four and my family thought it would be a great idea to take me to Chuck-E-Cheese’s.  Now, as a child, I loved to play games and jump into the ball pit, but when those costumed clad individuals came around ... you’d find me under the table.

Today, 31-years-old, not much has changed in relation to my appreciation, or lack there of, in all things masks, puppets and costumes.  I don’t like things that hide where I cannot see the “whole picture”; the unknown makes me uneasy and very uncomfortable.  I’d much rather live a life where I can fully see those around me.  “Just Be Yourself”.  But how does one go about being “themselves”?

In my opinion, it starts with your identity in who you are.  For Christians, we take it one step further ... Who are we in Christ?  This question has caused many a “head scratching” over the years as it can be a confusing term, but one I hope to help clarify.

Who we are in Christ is defined by our lives and how we live them.  But, who are we?  We are the children of THE Creator of ALL things.  We are the disciples chosen to spread the truth, the Word and the love of Christ.  We are who we were made to be; each individual, each quirk, each talent, each flaw... we were made fearfully and wonderfully.  We are Christ Followers ... followers of His actions, His beliefs, His teachings...  We are God’s! 

Sometimes it can be frustrating to work with people who do not think the way we do, who don’t do things the way we would do them or how we used to do them.  It’s annoying how something we are so passionate about does not seem to even matter to our neighbor.  Yet, that’s what is so amazing about humanity.  We have different people with different passions and different talents and different flaws.  We were made imperfect so that we would work together, so where we may lack, someone else could fill the gap.  Like the cliche goes, we’re a bunch of puzzle pieces that need to find our matches so that we can unmask the beautiful creation that God placed us on this planet to reveal.

So who am I?

I am a Christ follower.  I’m a creator, a designer, an artist, a singer; I love gardening/landscaping, art (creating and observing), music, writing and playing video games.  I can be snarky but smile a lot.  I’m not easily offended but extremely protective.  I enjoy fashion and getting a rise out of people with some of my “hair choices”.  I’m sarcastic and not patient at all.  I’m the perfect version of myself because I am who God made me to be. 

I am a fearfully and wonderfully made ME.

And who are we?

We Are His!

Simple as that.

The Deep Dive

I'm a hoarder of thoughts; I collect so many that even I don't recall all that I have.  Then one day, all those collected thoughts become so many that they come bursting out all at once.  Once empty, I start the process all over again.

This recently occurred, and as I sat there on the floor, looking at what was "laying on the floor" in front of me, I realized that I was even more confused than I was before.  I couldn't describe what was going through my mind - it's like the autobahn in there - but I knew it had a name.  That's when I reached out to one of my pastors and asked for their help.  In the end he helped me realize that what I was feeling had a name ... isolation.

source:  https://pxhere.com/en/photo/995874

Isolation:  Where you can be surrounded by people, even be talking with them, but feel no connection.  I'ts standing in the middle of a circle of people who are holding hands while you're stuck wondering how you can be a part of it... but you can't.  Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a fighter.  I'm not depressed by any means - I'm frustrated, annoyed, fed-up ... ready to move on and figure out how to fight; how to fight in a way that is healthy.

I have a creative mind; it thinks constantly, sometimes about some rather deep subjects, and mostly without prompts.  My mind is a problem solver, a creative creature, an artist.  I hate misunderstands as well as long explanations.  I'm a lover of "short and to the point" and long bouts of silence and solitude.  I enjoy friends, family and traveling as well as staying at home to write and listen to soft piano music.  I can be in the present as well as miles away in just a matter of a few seconds.  I'm complex and simplistic.

One thing that stays consistent - I'm rarely understood

Retreating into my thoughts has become a norm for me; to vanish into the depths of my mind where the world I have created is filled with color, brightness, joy and happiness.  A world where I'm not alone, I'm understood and most of all ... accepted.  

However, despite my isolation, I'm glad to know that I ALWAYS have someone beside me, who understands me, is right on the same page as me because He created me.  He knows how I work because that's the way that He designed me to be.  For this, I will forever be grateful for my faith and in whom my faith resides; my isolation in the mid-west feels a little less lonely knowing I can ALWAYS talk to Him, and He will understand.

The Art of Forgivness

Eyes narrowed, lips pursed; not a sound escaping except for the short, determined breaths from my chest.  Anger, resentment, thoughts of revenge and the copious amounts of unjust treatment are flying through my mind.  These feelings encapsulated my entire being at the sign of any “trigger” - the result of not forgiving those who hurt me.

Many times did I find myself alone and in front of the mirror “chewing” out said-person who hurt me; violently throwing at them my hurt and distrust and telling them exactly how I felt with no filters attached ... all in the safety of my bedroom.  Afterwards, I would feel a sense of relief from getting those thoughts off my chest and out into the air, but slowly the hurt and anger would build up again and I would have to vent at my mirror again.

After a particular instance occurred, I exploded.  Tears flowing, shaking from anger and thoughts racing faster than I could even comprehend.  That was when I first started to learn what “Forgiveness” was.  My esteemed mentor talked me through my fears and hurt and told me that forgiveness didn’t mean I needed to let them be apart of my life anymore, I didn’t need to do anything with them at all ... in fact, forgiving someone purely stays between my heavenly father and myself.

Overwhelming relief spread throughout my body before a heavy set of confusion replaced it.  For weeks I thought, “How was I getting what I wanted but also what God wanted too?  How exactly does one forgive someone?”  It wasn’t until I read Matthew 6:14-15 that the fear of God struck me into submission and understanding; “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”  Uh oh ... I’ve been holding onto this anger for YEARS; so all this time I’ve not been forgiven of my sins?  Precisely. 

Going back to my mentor, I asked, “So what exactly does it mean to forgive someone then?  I’m excited that I don’t have to include them in my life as they continue to hurt me, but how do I forgive them?”  She simply told me that forgiveness comes from the heart.  When I was not forgiving those who had hurt me, I was basically saying that God wasn’t good enough to give my hurt to. 

“Light bulb!”

Not forgiving someone meant that I was holding onto the hurt I felt caused by that individual and clinging to it with my life.  But if I gave my life to Christ, what kind of life was I now giving to Him?  So, I got down on my knees, in the middle of making dinner, and prayed.  I prayed with all my heart as I asked God for his forgiveness and to help me to forgive those who had hurt me. 

When I was holding onto that hurt and not forgiving those I should, I had developed a habit, a comfort zone for myself that was filled with so many negative thoughts and feelings.  However, after asking God to help me to forgive, I realized that it’s a habit we have to learn; we have to develop the habit of forgiveness.  It’s a learning process; in the beginning it’ll be difficult to continually remember that we no longer hold onto the anger and hurt and that we gave it to God, so as the Bible calls us to forgive seventy times seven, it’s also a reminder that we have to keep forgiving those around us until it becomes our new habit.

If you’re holding onto hurt, remember that God is good enough to take that hurt away.  He’s good enough to heal you and He’s promised to also be with us as we work through the process of true forgiveness.