The Endless Search for Balance

A lot of "help" blogs are truly helpful; filled to the brim with ideas and thoughts that hit your core ... this is not one of those blogs.  This particular post is going to be about how much I truly do not know what to do.

In August (of 2016) I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.  I thankfully do not have all the potential symptoms; I still sleep relatively well... but I do have the chronic pain and "fibro fog" (troubles focusing and/or recalling things).  The pain increases in the winter, I have come to find, and it has made anything remotely resembling motivation to move ... practically invisible.  This is where my husband fills in.

One night, for example, we went grocery shopping at Costco.  We were not there terribly long, just picked up a few necessities and then tottered back home.  Unfortunately, as soon as I walked through the doors into Costco, the crisp warm from the brisk cold, a bad headache set in, followed by joint pain and then by the end of our trip, nausea.  We loaded up my car and drove home where I was supposed to then start on dinner .... I ended up starting a hot bath instead where I proceeded to soak for a good 30 minutes or so.  The pain and nausea finally dulled to a manageable roar, at least to the point where I could go and work on dinner, but my husband had already started it.

I went to work Tuesday night and got back around 8:30pm to find a freshly shampooed carpet and clean kitchen.  Dinner wasn't made but he bought us pizza.

Last night I was having a particularly rough "pain and brain" day and didn't leave the couch much the entire day.  It was my turn to make dinner but once again my husband stepped up and cleaned the kitchen and made us dinner.

My husband is one of those odd finds, and one I'm so glad came into my view.  He spoils me by taking me out to dinner every single week, he buys me random gifts, trinkets and flowers, he cleans the house and cleans the kitchen 90% of the time.  He gets me my dinner and brings me things to drink, he fixes things around the house and plays with the dogs; all the while, I'm sitting on the couch playing video games trying to ignore the pulsating pain in my body and/or begging my headache that I've had for 2 months straight to just leave already.

My husband takes care of me, in every sense of the word and here is where I fail - I haven't a clue on how to even begin showing him how much I appreciate him, how much I adore him or how much he means to me.  Trust me, I tell him constantly.  I tell him how I would help more if I wasn't in so much pain and he says he understands but you can tell it's wearing on him.

So, finding that balance is where I'm going to start.  I'm still continuing my research on Fibromyalgia and applying my "natural health" skills for treatment.  But this is my first real painful winter and I have not found that balance where I can help around the house more without feeling like I'm being crushed by a train.

I guess this post is more to show that if you have a disease that is chronic and painful and you're finding yourself "failing at life" like I am ... don't lose heart.  We are still working out the kinks, we are still searching for the balance and we can't lose heart ... we will find it!

He speaks ... will you listen?

I was listening to the Air1 app on my phone one day on my way to work, which is a contemporary Christian music station, when a listener called in and told his story.  Basically he had fallen away from his faith and was in a really bad place.  One day he decided to go and have Chinese during lunch, which he confessed he wasn’t the biggest fan of.  As tradition has it, he got his fortune cookie, opened it and found that infamous little piece of paper but what it said floored me.  Now, I can’t remember what it said exactly but it was something like, “God can heal, all he asks for is our broken pieces.”  The guy on the phone went on to say, “Really God?  That’s how you’re going to get my attention?”

God is not picky about how he speaks to us.  When God wants to tell you something, he does; it’s all a matter of whether or not we listen.  But sometimes our inner monologue gets in our way.

This morning, however, “Rise” by Danny Gokey came on the radio and I felt an overwhelming sense of God saying, “Listen!”  So I quieted my mind and listened to the words being sung.

“You were made to rise... You were made to shine!”  

That’s when I heard Him say, “I’ve got a plan for you.  You will rise and shine for the world around you.  I will have you shine for me.  Your ministry will flourish for this is the reason as to why I made you.”

I have suffered from self doubt all my life and had told myself that I was a failure, that I wasn’t good enough but God reminds us that he made us for a purpose, for a reason.  He didn’t create you or me to just sit around and watch the world turn … He made us to RISE from the depths we put ourselves in and then SHINE for the whole world to see. 

What do you feel what God has created you for?

Flawless Despite the Flaws

"Flawless" by Mercy Me

Yesterday, as I sat in the doctor's office waiting after literally being poked, my doctor came in the room with "that look".  

"I believe you have fibromyalgia," she said.  

*Blank stare*  *blink blink*

I started scanning my brain to see if a definition came with that familiar term but nothing.  "I know the word," I said, "but that's about it".  

"Basically it's when your brain tells your thyroid to tell your nerves to overreact to pain."  ... Oh joy.

That's when I kind of went numb; I was processing what it meant, what it was, how this was going to effect my life, etc.  Keeping that stiff upper lip I just reminded myself that no matter what, it was all in God's plan and he had a purpose for this illness. 

I got up after having my blood drawn, left the building, got in my car and headed back to work, all the while my mind just racing with thoughts of what my life was going to be like from now on.  All the issues I had worked so hard on resolving were not failing from my lack of trying but from a source that was out of my control.  In a lot of ways, it felt like a burden was lifted off my shoulders, but also it felt as though it had been replaced by a new one.  The thing is, fibromyalgia doesn't go away, there is no cure - once you have it, you have it.  Treatments are available, of course, but the medication's side-effects are a little less than to be desired.  However I did decide one thing ... I would not let this disease define me nor control me.  I immediately started  researching what it was, what it did and how to treat it.  No way was I going to let this destroy my heart and mind as well as my body (no it's not deadly... just SUPER uncomfortable and annoying).

Remembering back, after getting my diagnosis (which was confirmed this morning), I had Mercy Me's "Flawless" run through my head over and over.  I know that God has plans for me and I will not allow this illness to drag me down or keep me from what I feel He is calling me to do.  This song was JUST what I needed to hear.  So if you have a burden, fear, or a hang-up in your life that is making you feel stuck and unable to move forward, remember that Jesus' death on the cross was to save us from our own sins.  Jesus Christ took all our sins upon himself ... all of them!  The sins we committed, the ones we commit now and the ones we will commit in the future -- the cross has made us flawless despite all our flaws.

You're Stressing me OUT!

“Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere.”   This was a magnet on my grandma’s fridge next to her “A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand” magnet.   Those were my mantras for years, though I will admit, I didn’t follow the first mantra as well as I followed the second one.

“When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” Psalm 61:2.  

“Stress: the experience of a perceived threat (real or imagined) to one’s mental, physical, or spiritual well-being, resulting from a series of physiological responses and adaptations. (Seaward, 2009). Stress, across the board, has caused people to admit to having an increasing sense of anxiety, frustration, unease, and discontent in nearly every aspect of their lives? (Seaward, 2009).  Every aspect!  That is just crazy to me.  Also, today, research shows that people still maintain poor coping skills in the face of personal, social, and even global changes occurring over the course of their lives. Stress has also been linked to be the leading cause of death as it weakens the physiological systems, thereby rapidly advancing the disease process. (Seaward, 2009).  We know this and yet we still struggle with stress in the worse way possible.

In 2006, I left my home in Oregon to attend a college here in Omaha, Nebraska.  I had never before been to Nebraska or anywhere east of Idaho for that matter, and I was really nervous about where my life was heading. It wasn't until being in college for a few months that I realized I fell in love with the people here and that this is where God was calling me to be. After going back to Oregon in 2007, I desperately worked for the next three years, trying to get back to Omaha. Thinking back on the process of moving here in 2010, (trying to find a job, a place to live, sell everything I own, and prepare for the 1,700 mile journey), the feeling of being overwhelmed was very prevalent in my life. Constantly the sense of having so much to do and no time to do it did me in.  That and the fear of moving halfway across the country from everything and everyone I had ever known to be alone in a new state sometimes threw me down to my knees asking God, “Why?!”.  But here I am, six years later and in a month I get to marry to the most wonderful man ever, I'm working in a wonderful, supportive job, and preparing a ministry that is near and dear to my heart.  All this because I stopped, let go, and let God.

So let’s take a step back and see how God helps us when we are feeling stressed and/or overwhelmed. He reminds us that he’s there and that he is never going to just leave us to fend for ourselves.  There are several verses that remind us of this and how we should perceive stress.  Here are a few verses of those reminders:

• Romans 16:20 -- 
• "The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet.  The grace of our Lord Jesus be with you."
• Proverbs 16:3
• "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed."
• Philippians 4:6-7 (personal favorite)
• "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
• James 1:2-4
• "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
• Romans 12:2
• Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will."
• John 14:27
• "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
• Psalm 118:5-6 
• "In my anguish I cried to the Lord, and he answered by setting me free.  The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.  What can man do to me?"
• Psalm 94:19
• "When my anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul."
• Matthew 11:28-30
• Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

 I found these and more at www.biblestudytools.com/topical-verses/stress-bible-verses

When you’re feeling anxious, stressed, overwhelmed, etc., ask yourself this, “Is there anything I can do in my current situation?”  Then challenge yourself: if your answer is yes, you can do something about the situation and do it while relying on God, if no, let it go, pray about it and rely on God (notice a theme here?)  Like the ever famous cliché says, let go and let God.

Perfectly Me

This morning on my way to work, I noticed my hand.  I know, stellar revelation ... I have a hand!  But it wasn't so much the fact that I have one, but more about what adorned my hand.

Very unprofessionally painted picked-at nails, black pleather bracelet, pearls gifted to me by my Grandma Bev for my high school graduation and a scar as proof of my mass clumsiness upon my slightly chubby hand.  That's when I realized, this was the perfect combination for representing who I am as a person; imperfect, clumsy but willing to try, edgy yet classy but all around - me!

Perfectionism is defined as "refusal to accept any standard short of perfection."  But what is perfection?  I'll give you a hint ... it's all about the physical appearance; at least that's what society has taught us.  Thus why I cannot be happier by this one truth - society's definition of "perfect" is a giant lie!  Whew! *swipes brow*  Thank goodness.

There is a song by Sara Bareilles called "I Wanna Be Like Me" and she sings about how she doesn't want to be like anyone other than herself.  So, here's a question for you; what does it mean to be the "perfect you"?  Try to think past the physical sense, past the way society has taught us to think ... think about how God made you, what talents did He provided?  What skills do you have?  What are you good at that maybe surpass other's around you?  What makes you, you?

I have asked myself this question many times for years and here I am, almost 30 years old, and I'm still struggling to come up with a definition sometimes.  I also think about how many times I've change over the years; I'm not even the person I was last year let alone 10 years ago.  So at the beginning of this year (2016) I decided that I would come up with the definition of a "perfect me" and work at obtaining it as close as possible.

To be "me" means to be strong, both physically and emotionally/spiritually.  I want to be able to protect myself, those around me and also to be strong enough to be that shoulder that those around me may need.  Being the "perfect me" means to be respectful, confident in who I am, to fill my life with art (however I define art at that moment) and to show love to those around me whomever they may be.  Eventually it will mean to be a good and supportive wife to my husband, a loving mother to my children and a great leader for the ministry that I feel God has called me to do.

Finding who you perfectly should be is not geared solely to physical appearance (yes, you should take care of yourself as the world only was blessed with one you) but more about who you are as a person to those around you.


2 Corinthians 12:9

Verse Concepts

And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness " Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

Well Look at That.. He Does Listen

An answered prayer - We get so excited when we get an answered prayer (... in the way we want). We jump and squeal with joy, thanking God for His blessing ... for about three days and then we lull back into our normal routines and move on.

We need to remember those blessings.

2016, I had decided, was going to by MY year.  I'm getting married (in 205 days, but who's counting?), I'm going to go back to school (hopefully) to obtain my BS in Psychology, I am going to be a better person (i.e., less angry, bitter and more content), I am going to be more confident, healthier, read more, grow in my faith and work more on my art.  Big plans, big ideas and even bigger dreams.  And here we are, March 2016 and I can happily say that I have been diligently working on most of these goals.

However, as life seems to have it, already quite a few things have come up where I have needed to spend a little extra time in prayer, looking for guidance, wisdom and answers.  From my grandfather suffering from a stroke (very minor and is right as rain now), to school, to work, to life, to... you get the picture, this year I decided that I wouldn't forget those answered prayers.  So I created this:

I found the quote on Pinterest

The hearts are my answered prayers.  Each heart represents a different prayer I had that God had answered.  They're not small prayers either.  I have this at work, right next to my desk.  It's a daily reminder that I'm loved, listened to and that our hope in Him is not wasted.

So I make it a point to look around me and "see Him".  Remember that there is beauty all around us, that we are never alone and that the creator of EVERYTHING bends down to listen to us when we call out to Him.

Hidden Beauty

Think of the most detestable, despicable, disgusting and heart wrenchingly evil thing you can think of – that is occurring in our world today.  Because of the “ugly” in this world, a lot of people have chosen to not add to this world in the form of children.   The reasoning being that they do not want their children to learn of the awful things around us.  Though I understand where they are coming from, this mentality breaks my heart in so many pieces. 

There is ugly in this world; unbearable, anxiety causing ugly, but there is also so much beauty!  How many times have I scrolled through Facebook™, Pinterest™, or even Tumblr™ and seen “Faith in Humanity Restored” posts?  There is good in this world, beauty, joy, love, peace … faith in those around us that we seem to forget. 

I tend to forget that beauty when I listen to the news.  It has caused so many panic attacks and irrational fears within me that I have grown to detest the sight or sound of it.  So my reaction to this issue has been to obtain the mentality that I get one life on this planet; I don’t plan on wasting it hiding from everything.  Now, please understand that I’m not saying that we should hide from the awful things in this world - our hands over our ears; eyes closed humming to ourselves as we rock back and forth in a corner – NO!  I’m saying that despite all the horrible things that are occurring, remember that this is not all this world is made up of. 

Instead of hiding from the world in our little safe zones, reach out to it – make it beautiful.  Find passion, your dream and help turn this awful world into one that is beautiful again.  For example, I am personally on the conquest of providing a place for kids to go where they can create art.  As an artist, I have learned the pure joy that is art and how it heals and breaks down walls.  In addition to having a place where kids and young adults can come to express themselves in the form of art, I want to have counselors and therapists on staff to be there when those barriers and walls break down, to help pick up the pieces and start the healing process.  To help them realize that this world is not filled with only ugly things … that there is hope and joy in it too.

So stop focusing on the things that we have no control over, take control of what you can, accept what you cannot and do everything you can to see that there is beauty hidden behind every situation.  And trust me when I say that I know that some days, that is WAY easier said than done.