Try, Try, Trying Again

Notes, you can find them on my monitor, on my desk, on my bulletin boards, in a variety of journals, in my phone... I have notes everywhere because I have the memory of a gold fish (or as an old acquaintance once lovingly put it, a bubbly-eyed goldfish).  I keep all the notes because I don't want to forget them - problem - I have too many and forget what I wrote, where.

But, once and in a while, I'll open an old blog, or a long-since forgotten journal or a note tucked, deep into the depths of my desk, read and think, "I need to remember that."

Well... that happened today.  I was reading through an old blog about how I was going to tackle one of my flaws and now it being ten months since then, reflected to see if I had changed the way I said I would.  Thankfully, I had improved on that particular flaw, but it is by no means resolved.  But it got me thinking ---

We all have times where we find something about ourselves that we want to change, start the process, sputter, start the process again, sputter harder, and then inevitability quit...

Despite all that, sometimes we still keep try, try, trying again.  We may take six steps back to every three steps forward, but hey, it used to be ten steps back to every two steps forward - progress is progress. 

We all have a ways to go on the things that we challenge to improve about ourselves (well, most of us [cough, cough] ... me) but there's one thing my husband tells me that makes him proud of me and that is that I never give-up trying.  I have tried fixing my temper, failed, but keep trying.  I have tried to lose weight, failed, but then try again.  I have tried being selfless, failed, but keep trying. 

I have failed, but I get back up and try again.

It's been a huge blessing to hear from some peers that some of the things I've been working on are starting show results (20 years later).  I got to this point because of the fact that sometime, long ago, I decided to start trying to change for the better, failed, but kept right on trying again.

If you're trying to change for the better; if you're trying to be the kind of person that you know you should be, and then fail.  PLEASE don't give up.  Change, the good kind, doesn't come easily.  It takes work; difficult, relentless, tiring work... but don't you think you're worth it?

Gaining Back Reality

At the risk of sounding quite dramatic; I do honestly feel like I am having to re-learn how to handle life in an adult-like, calm, kind and understanding manner.

Like a lot of people, I had been taking an anxiety medication for over three years  -  until a week and a half ago.  I realized that I was taking medication for a "fear" I no longer had; no longer was I having panic attacks so I felt it was time to live life "med free".

The detox process has proved to be challenging at best but it has also taught me that I have a LOT of room to grow, especially now that I'm not being medically subdued. 

1. My temper grew a tad shorter -- which, sadly, it wasn't that long to begin with.
• Solution: James 1:19  "...Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry."
• Solution:  Mark 12:30-31  "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.  The second is this:  'Love your neighbor as yourself.'  There is no commandment greater than these."
2. I allow things to defeat me easily.
• Solution:  Isiah 35:4  "Say to those with fearful hearts, 'Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come and save you.'"
3. I worry about the lives of EVERYONE around me and allow it to break me.
• Solution: Romans 8:28  "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
• Solution:  Matthew 7:3-5  "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?  How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."
• Solution:  Matthew 6:34  "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Today has enough trouble of its own."

I have never claimed to be perfect, but you cannot say that I never try to be better.  We're humans, as the phrase goes, which means we're not perfect, we make mistakes, we lose our tempers, we say and do the wrong things and we always will until we get to spend eternity with our Savior.  Sin is in this world and it will tempt us, but thankfully we have a God who is forgiving. 

Colossians 3:13  "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you."  

It will take some time and a lot of grace from those around me as I work on re-learning how to live a God-fearing life among the world today and the struggles I deal with on a daily basis with the help of my medication, but I also know that through Him, all things are possible.