Try, Try, Trying Again

Notes, you can find them on my monitor, on my desk, on my bulletin boards, in a variety of journals, in my phone... I have notes everywhere because I have the memory of a gold fish (or as an old acquaintance once lovingly put it, a bubbly-eyed goldfish).  I keep all the notes because I don't want to forget them - problem - I have too many and forget what I wrote, where.

But, once and in a while, I'll open an old blog, or a long-since forgotten journal or a note tucked, deep into the depths of my desk, read and think, "I need to remember that."

Well... that happened today.  I was reading through an old blog about how I was going to tackle one of my flaws and now it being ten months since then, reflected to see if I had changed the way I said I would.  Thankfully, I had improved on that particular flaw, but it is by no means resolved.  But it got me thinking ---

We all have times where we find something about ourselves that we want to change, start the process, sputter, start the process again, sputter harder, and then inevitability quit...

Despite all that, sometimes we still keep try, try, trying again.  We may take six steps back to every three steps forward, but hey, it used to be ten steps back to every two steps forward - progress is progress. 

We all have a ways to go on the things that we challenge to improve about ourselves (well, most of us [cough, cough] ... me) but there's one thing my husband tells me that makes him proud of me and that is that I never give-up trying.  I have tried fixing my temper, failed, but keep trying.  I have tried to lose weight, failed, but then try again.  I have tried being selfless, failed, but keep trying. 

I have failed, but I get back up and try again.

It's been a huge blessing to hear from some peers that some of the things I've been working on are starting show results (20 years later).  I got to this point because of the fact that sometime, long ago, I decided to start trying to change for the better, failed, but kept right on trying again.

If you're trying to change for the better; if you're trying to be the kind of person that you know you should be, and then fail.  PLEASE don't give up.  Change, the good kind, doesn't come easily.  It takes work; difficult, relentless, tiring work... but don't you think you're worth it?

Gaining Back Reality

At the risk of sounding quite dramatic; I do honestly feel like I am having to re-learn how to handle life in an adult-like, calm, kind and understanding manner.

Like a lot of people, I had been taking an anxiety medication for over three years  -  until a week and a half ago.  I realized that I was taking medication for a "fear" I no longer had; no longer was I having panic attacks so I felt it was time to live life "med free".

The detox process has proved to be challenging at best but it has also taught me that I have a LOT of room to grow, especially now that I'm not being medically subdued. 

1. My temper grew a tad shorter -- which, sadly, it wasn't that long to begin with.
• Solution: James 1:19  "...Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry."
• Solution:  Mark 12:30-31  "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.  The second is this:  'Love your neighbor as yourself.'  There is no commandment greater than these."
2. I allow things to defeat me easily.
• Solution:  Isiah 35:4  "Say to those with fearful hearts, 'Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come and save you.'"
3. I worry about the lives of EVERYONE around me and allow it to break me.
• Solution: Romans 8:28  "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
• Solution:  Matthew 7:3-5  "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?  How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."
• Solution:  Matthew 6:34  "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Today has enough trouble of its own."

I have never claimed to be perfect, but you cannot say that I never try to be better.  We're humans, as the phrase goes, which means we're not perfect, we make mistakes, we lose our tempers, we say and do the wrong things and we always will until we get to spend eternity with our Savior.  Sin is in this world and it will tempt us, but thankfully we have a God who is forgiving. 

Colossians 3:13  "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you."  

It will take some time and a lot of grace from those around me as I work on re-learning how to live a God-fearing life among the world today and the struggles I deal with on a daily basis with the help of my medication, but I also know that through Him, all things are possible.

Blocking Grace

On my way to work this morning, I noticed the most beautiful sunrise.  There is something to be said for the arctic temperatures we're experiencing - it can create the most breathtaking scenes.  The hazy orange sphere was starting to peek over the city's horizon, cool gray clouds being pushed out of the way except for one, particularly dark gray cloud which blocked the light.  Below this blockade were the soft glow of oranges and yellows but then immediately a dark mass keeping the light low and hidden; or so it thought, for if you looked above the mass, reflecting off the soft white rolls of the clouds above, was the same gentle yellows and golden orange glows that shown below.  These rays were spread wide over the sky above and that's what got me thinking - God's grace works this way too.

For those of us who have released our selfishness and allowed God in our lives, we started by the source, that warm glow of God's love and grace that He gives to all His children.  Then something blocks us from that love, that grace that He willingly provides - or so we think.  It's dark and ominous and in the midst of it, we cannot see even a hint of light.  All hope seems lost as we wander around wishing there was a way around or through this chaos we've found ourselves in.  But we need to remember that our vision is limited to only what we can see; He sees FAR more than we do.  Like the sunrise I saw this morning, His grace is still there, His love is still there, it's just being blocked by this cloud of chaos and it's distorting our vision. 

God hasn't abandoned you while you're in your greatest time of need, He's right there, shining through, we just can't always see it.  So when you're in the middle of a crisis or going through something in your life where you feel God has blocked His grace and His love for you and left you to fend for yourself, remember that simply letting go, stepping back and resting in Him, we can once again see His grace and love shining above and far beyond anything we could ever hope to imagine.

Who is God and Why Should I Care?

We’re going to kick off the year with a nice, simple topic: Who is God and Why Should I Care?

Wait ...  That’s not simple.  What did I get myself into?
Oh well, too late now.  :)

Who is God?  I can tell you who He isn’t; He isn’t cruel, He isn’t spiteful, He isn’t selfish, He isn’t impatient, nor is He unkind or unjust. (Despite what we may think or feel sometimes)  He is, however, wise, grace-filled, mercy-filled, gentle, forgiving, never-changing, a promise keeper, and as 1 John 4:8 states, “Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.”  His timing is perfect, His decisions are perfect, He is perfect - He is God our father, our savior, our conscience, if we choose to accept.  He is THE Father, THE Son, and THE Holy Spirit

Why Should I Care? I think to answer this question, we must first answer this:  Who Are We?  Simply put, we are sinners.  Sinners we were born and sinners we will remain.  Being a sinner means to go against God and His commandments (Exodus 20:3-17).  Thankfully God sent His one and only son down to become flesh so He could do His father’s will; to mend the relationship between God and man by shedding His own blood on the cross to cover the sins that we have committed, are committing and will commit.  So that our sins could be forgiven whenever we ask for forgiveness and repent of those sins, to never commit them again (or certainly try). Exodus 10:17, “Now therefore, forgive my sin, please, only this once, and plead with the Lord your God only to remove this death from me.” Jesus, the son of God, spilled that blood and separated Himself from the glory of his Father God for three days before He rose again to dwell in His rightful place, at the right hand of God. 

So, why should you care about who God is?  Because we, as sinners, will be separated from the glory of God, from all of who He is, for eternity; to dwell in darkness (aka hell) never to see or experience His love again ... IF we never choose Him.  If we deny Him and all He has done for us, then we will sadly experience this eternal darkness.  If we choose not to follow His lead, his vision for our lives or accept the love and the sacrifice He made all those years ago ... the consequences are absolutely devastating.

One should care about Who God Is because it means salvation and salvation is easily achieved.  He simply asks that we believe and accept Him.  We need to believe with all our being/have faith (Hebrews 11:1) that He is the son of God, that He died on the cross for our sins and that three days later He rose again.  That he later ascended into heaven to sit at the right hand of God.  He asks that we choose to accept Him as our ruler and as the Lord of our lives.  He asks that we choose to accept his love for us, that we choose to put our faith in Him, that we will trust Him to lead our lives in a way that will be far greater and more fulfilling than anything we could ever imagine or hope to achieve.

We need to get on bended knee (figuratively or not) and ask that He forgive us our sins, to remove the threat of death (the separation from His glory for an eternity) and tell Him that we surrender our lives to Him.   That we believe His Word (the Bible), that we believe what He said, what He has done for us, and that His promises will and always have been kept.

Do You Know Me?

What does it mean to  “know”  someone?

I know my husband; I know the foods he likes/doesn’t like, I know how he likes to spend his time, I know how he sleeps, I know that he loves animals as much as I do – I’d like to think I know my husband pretty well after the eight years of being with him.  I know my mother, my grandparents, my brother Tyler; I know their likes/dislikes and most of their schedules.  I know my best friend Kitty, I know her passions, her dreams – I know a lot about a lot of people, but my knowledge of those around me pales in comparison to how our Lord knows us.

Jeremiah 1:5
“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb.”

Did you catch that?  He knew us before we were even formed/created in a physical sense.  When He says that He knows us, He doesn’t mean just that we will exist; He means us as a whole.  He knows our hearts, minds and dreams.  He knows our passions, our faults and our flaws.  He knows our sins and our glories; He knows us wholly and completely! 

He knows that you prefer cheddar over provolone, He knows that you ran that red light because you were running late to work, He knows that you were thinking that the burger sounded way better to you than the salad that’s currently sitting in front of you; He knows.  He knows that you were having a harder time with this issue than you’ve been revealing to those around you.  He knows that you’ve been lonely and depressed.  He knows that you were over the moon with joy the other day.  He knows that ministry you’ve been struggling to start but struggle to launch. 

He knows.  

He’s know all these things about you  ... before you were even formed in your mother’s womb.  He knows your ways, He knows everything there is to know about you and He knows what is best for you because He created you! 

I’ve been drawing for as long as I can remember and one thing I’ve realized through my years of doodling on scrap pieces of paper, when you create/draw something, you learn about that subject on an almost intimate level.  Drawing flowers, I would notice the little crevices, the crinkles, the subtle color changes in the petals and leaves and the tiny little nibbles taken out of the stem by pesky caterpillars.  When I drew faces, I saw the scars, the sparkle in ones eyes,  the way the corners of the mouth effect the eye above that cheek that was raised; I learn about the outside appearance of the person on a rather personal level.  However, though I may have noticed all those tiny little details about you there is one thing that I could never understand/that I could never see ... your heart.

I could never see the cause of the sparkle, the reason for the scar, the reason why you smirked; only God knows you that way.  There is a song by a Christian group called for KING & COUNTRY and they have a song titled “God Only Knows”.  It’s about how no matter what you’re going through, God knows and He will find the perfect way to reach you, to save you, to show you His love.

Need more proof? Read Psalm 139.