Eyes narrowed, lips pursed; not a sound escaping except for the short, determined breaths from my chest. Anger, resentment, thoughts of revenge and the copious amounts of unjust treatment are flying through my mind. These feelings encapsulated my entire being at the sign of any “trigger” - the result of not forgiving those who hurt me.
Many times did I find myself alone and in front of the mirror “chewing” out said-person who hurt me; violently throwing at them my hurt and distrust and telling them exactly how I felt with no filters attached ... all in the safety of my bedroom. Afterwards, I would feel a sense of relief from getting those thoughts off my chest and out into the air, but slowly the hurt and anger would build up again and I would have to vent at my mirror again.
After a particular instance occurred, I exploded. Tears flowing, shaking from anger and thoughts racing faster than I could even comprehend. That was when I first started to learn what “Forgiveness” was. My esteemed mentor talked me through my fears and hurt and told me that forgiveness didn’t mean I needed to let them be apart of my life anymore, I didn’t need to do anything with them at all ... in fact, forgiving someone purely stays between my heavenly father and myself.
Overwhelming relief spread throughout my body before a heavy set of confusion replaced it. For weeks I thought, “How was I getting what I wanted but also what God wanted too? How exactly does one forgive someone?” It wasn’t until I read Matthew 6:14-15 that the fear of God struck me into submission and understanding; “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Uh oh ... I’ve been holding onto this anger for YEARS; so all this time I’ve not been forgiven of my sins? Precisely.
Going back to my mentor, I asked, “So what exactly does it mean to forgive someone then? I’m excited that I don’t have to include them in my life as they continue to hurt me, but how do I forgive them?” She simply told me that forgiveness comes from the heart. When I was not forgiving those who had hurt me, I was basically saying that God wasn’t good enough to give my hurt to.
“Light bulb!”
Not forgiving someone meant that I was holding onto the hurt I felt caused by that individual and clinging to it with my life. But if I gave my life to Christ, what kind of life was I now giving to Him? So, I got down on my knees, in the middle of making dinner, and prayed. I prayed with all my heart as I asked God for his forgiveness and to help me to forgive those who had hurt me.
When I was holding onto that hurt and not forgiving those I should, I had developed a habit, a comfort zone for myself that was filled with so many negative thoughts and feelings. However, after asking God to help me to forgive, I realized that it’s a habit we have to learn; we have to develop the habit of forgiveness. It’s a learning process; in the beginning it’ll be difficult to continually remember that we no longer hold onto the anger and hurt and that we gave it to God, so as the Bible calls us to forgive seventy times seven, it’s also a reminder that we have to keep forgiving those around us until it becomes our new habit.
If you’re holding onto hurt, remember that God is good enough to take that hurt away. He’s good enough to heal you and He’s promised to also be with us as we work through the process of true forgiveness.
