The Deep Dive

I'm a hoarder of thoughts; I collect so many that even I don't recall all that I have.  Then one day, all those collected thoughts become so many that they come bursting out all at once.  Once empty, I start the process all over again.

This recently occurred, and as I sat there on the floor, looking at what was "laying on the floor" in front of me, I realized that I was even more confused than I was before.  I couldn't describe what was going through my mind - it's like the autobahn in there - but I knew it had a name.  That's when I reached out to one of my pastors and asked for their help.  In the end he helped me realize that what I was feeling had a name ... isolation.

source:  https://pxhere.com/en/photo/995874

Isolation:  Where you can be surrounded by people, even be talking with them, but feel no connection.  I'ts standing in the middle of a circle of people who are holding hands while you're stuck wondering how you can be a part of it... but you can't.  Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a fighter.  I'm not depressed by any means - I'm frustrated, annoyed, fed-up ... ready to move on and figure out how to fight; how to fight in a way that is healthy.

I have a creative mind; it thinks constantly, sometimes about some rather deep subjects, and mostly without prompts.  My mind is a problem solver, a creative creature, an artist.  I hate misunderstands as well as long explanations.  I'm a lover of "short and to the point" and long bouts of silence and solitude.  I enjoy friends, family and traveling as well as staying at home to write and listen to soft piano music.  I can be in the present as well as miles away in just a matter of a few seconds.  I'm complex and simplistic.

One thing that stays consistent - I'm rarely understood

Retreating into my thoughts has become a norm for me; to vanish into the depths of my mind where the world I have created is filled with color, brightness, joy and happiness.  A world where I'm not alone, I'm understood and most of all ... accepted.  

However, despite my isolation, I'm glad to know that I ALWAYS have someone beside me, who understands me, is right on the same page as me because He created me.  He knows how I work because that's the way that He designed me to be.  For this, I will forever be grateful for my faith and in whom my faith resides; my isolation in the mid-west feels a little less lonely knowing I can ALWAYS talk to Him, and He will understand.